Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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