I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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