eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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