After last night, I could never be a politician.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
