I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
