True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
