proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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