Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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