Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
