Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
id be glad to
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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