Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
