just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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