I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
