did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
