I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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