I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
