Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
