Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
