I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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