My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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