I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize