I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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