haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
