nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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