Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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