She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
