I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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