I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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