Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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