Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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