I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
