First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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