Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They took my balls.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
