The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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