All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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