your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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