I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
