time to smoke my breakfast
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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