I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
