I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
