If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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