My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize