the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
