Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
