Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
