I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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