Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
