I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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