cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
