The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
