I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
