if you like me you must not know who I am
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
