too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
