saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
