Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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