god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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