i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
