you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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