I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
