allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
