There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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