i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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