hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize