New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
