she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize