so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
