I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
