i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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