upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
